A Letter To Ellise

I fill my head with all these things that aren’t real. I make myself believe that they are real. When I cannot live up to or be like what I’m believing in and telling myself is real I disappoint myself because what I have right now seems to not be enough. Which is very selfish and it makes me despise myself. I can’t just open my eyes and accept things. I always have to be greater or dream of being greater. That’s all my life is, simply dreams that I will never be able to accomplish because I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I am able to conquer anything in my life so I make myself miserable. I put all these thoughts in my head. I make myself believe that everyone is out to hurt me so I should hurt them first. I make myself believe that I’ll never be good enough. I make myself believe the worst possible things about myself. Nobody’s opinion of me matters anymore. Only mine. If I make myself believe all that then why am I alive? One day I will hopefully figure it out. (12.40pm | 2.28.11)